Don't Read This
by spiffytgm
Summary: CrackFic about the aftermath of book 22. Completely AU and NOT a Babe! This is Melanie's fault, really!


**I haven't read JE's latest disappointment, and I doubt I will. Just the synopsis has been stuck in my head for a while, though, so when Melanie asked if anyone has ever written Crac Fic, this popped into my head. It's so AU it's not even funny.**

 **The Characters still belong to JE, even if she abuses them.**

I picked the rest of the lettuce off my shirt and decided that I was clean enough to go inside for a Clucky Burger. I had chased Bogie Klumper for four blocks and wound up getting shoved into the dumpster behind Cluck in a Bucket. Since I was disappointed that I wouldn't be making enough to pay my bills this month, I might as well drown my sorrows in a fried chicked sandwich with mashed potatoes and gravy.

I was standing in line behind the crowd at the counter when I felt the tingles at the base of my neck. I saw him when it was my turn to order. Ranger looks yummy anytime, anywhere, but I hardly expected to see him in my favorite fast food establishment. He turned to look at me when he heard my voice at the register, but he had his blank look firmly in place, and I couldn't tell what he was thinking.

After I paid for my meal, I turned to him and said, "Ranger."

He nodded at me and said, "Stephanie."

I've known Ranger ever since I started my career as a bounty hunter. He's a six foot tall Cuban sex god with skin the color of a warm mocha latte. When he was my lover, he was magic. I was surprised to hear him call me by my name, I'm used to being his "babe". "Are you mad at me?"

He raised an eyebrow. "No."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

What the hell was wrong with him? I'm used to him giving me nothing but one syllable answers, but I wasn't used to him blowing me off like it seemed he was. "Did I do something wrong?"

The slight sigh he gave me was the Ranger equivalent of an eye roll. "Heard you were engaged to be engaged."

I guess he would hear about it sooner or later, but it's not like I haven't been here before. "So?"

"So I don't think your pre-fiancee would appreciate your continued association with Rangeman." Whoa. I don't think I've ever heard him sound so callous.

Before I could answer him, the counter person announced number 57. Ranger walked over and picked up a bucket of fried chicken and a bag of sides. He turned from the counter and started towards the door without saying another word to me.

Forgetting my meal entirely, I raced out the door after him and stopped by his Porsche. I grabbed his arm and he spun around. The rage in his eyes made me take a step back. I could feel the tears start to gather when I said to him, "You don't want to see me anymore?"

He blew out a breath and ran his hand through his hair. "You made your choice, Stephanie. Good Luck."

Good Luck? How could he do this to me? "I made my choice? Were you ever going to propose to me?"

He closed his eyes and said, "Someday." As I stood there with my mouth hanging open, he got in his car and left.

I walked back to my rusted out Ford Fiesta and got in. Rather than start it up, I sat there and cried. The worst part is that I know he's right. I made my choice, it just cost me my best friend.

Once I calmed down, I wiped my tears and snot on my now ruined shirt. I guessed that I was going to have to go home to get changed. Instead of heading that way, however, I found myself driving in circles until I had pulled up in front of my best friend Lula's apartment.

As I walked up the stairs to her second floor apartment, I looked in her open curtain and stopped in shock. Lula was sitting on her couch eating fried chicken while Ranger paced the cramped space and talked to her. I didn't want to get any closer to hear what he was saying, it was enough of a shock to see him there. Besides, if I got any closer, I'm sure one of them would notice me.

I stood in fascinated horror while Ranger kept talking. I was still watching when Lula stood up and walked to him. She was dressed to shock in hot pink spandex, but shock wasn't what I saw in Ranger's eyes. She moved up to him and put her hand on his cheek. He wrapped his arms around her waist and dropped his head on her shoulder. They stayed like that for a long time, then they started moving slowly, like they were dancing.

Ranger straightened up and pushed one of her dreadlocks off her forehead. She smiled up at him dreamily as they swayed to a beat only they could hear. When his lips pressed softly against hers, I wanted to hurl, but I was still rooted to the spot. When they broke the kiss and Ranger led her towards the bedroom, I finally found the strength to run back downstairs.

The next day I was waiting for Lula outside the bonds office. When she came screaming up in her red firebird, I got out of my car and stood there. She pushed her hair back and said, "Hey there, girl. How you and Supercop doing?"

I cringed inwardly. "We're good. How's your love life going?"

"Been seeing someone. It's good." She tried to shrug it off, but I could see the truth in her eyes.

"How long?"

She shrugged. "Couple a weeks. We been keeping it on the down low."

I could feel the tears again. "Why him, Lula?"

She put a fist on her hip and stared Stephanie down. "Why not him? You think he's gonna sit around and wait while you playin' house with Officer Hottie? Why should he? You coulda picked him, but you didn't. Don't come cryin' to me 'cause you threw Batman away."

She marched into the office and slammed the door. I stood on the sidewalk and stared at my feet. I don't know how long I stood there, but it was long enough to see a pair of Bates Boots fill my vision. I looked up to see a pissed off Ranger staring back at me. He had a scowl on his beautiful face and his arms crossed. I started to say something, but he held out a hand to stop me. "you know the best part about her? She's uncomplicated. She doesn't go back and forth, and she lets me be me. I loved you in my own way, but that wasn't enough for you. Now I love her. Let it go." He turned and walked into Vinnie's.

A minute later, Vinnie himself came outside. He shook his head and said, "I just got a call from Cluck in a Bucket. They're suing for damages to their dumpster. I'm letting you go." He turned and walked back inside.

I drove home to Joe's house. He was outside sitting on his front step. I plastered what I hoped was a bright smile on my face and got out of my car. Now that I was unemployed, I was ready to get married and start on a family. I had plenty of time.

He looked up at me and ran a hand through his hair. "Hey, cupcake. You remember that hamster you used to have?"

Once again, I stood still. "What do you mean, used to have? He's on the kitchen counter."

I started to walk past him, but he stood and wrapped me in a hug. "I was going to do something nice for you, so I was cleaning out his cage. I put him in the bathtub so he wouldn't run around. How was I supposed to know that dogs eat hamsters? It's not like they come with an instruction manual."

I woke up in a cold sweat. Bob ate Rex? Ranger loved Lula? What the hell? That was the worst dream ever. I looked around, but it was just me in my little apartment. I could hear the squeak that was Rex running on his little hamster wheel in the kitchen. I took a deep breath until my nerves settled down and my heart rate got back under control. Once I was back to normal, I picked up my phone and dialed. When he answered, I told him, "Have I ever told you that I love you?"

I held my breath again until he replied, "Love you too, Babe."

 **A/N I couldn't do it. ;-)**


End file.
